Some words on – “Stability”

I haven’t looked it up, but there must be several posts on my blog where I mention the importance of waiting for periods of emotional and existential stability in order to make changes to your medication regime. I believe it is important to remember that such stability is oftentimes ephemeral and can vanish without notice. This is not to scare anyone or to make them renounce from weaning off their drugs, but I´m saying this to make sure no-one out there is waiting in vain for a complete standstill of affairs that may never occur.

Many changes in life are not initiated by us, but by external factors we cannot control. On such occasions, we may find ourselves sucked into a stream of events we never chose to be a part of. One day, we can be enjoying great peace and contentment, and the next day all hell can break loose, with us at the center of it. All we can do is try to limit the damage through appropriate reactions.

Some months ago I perceived myself to be walking a pleasant, smooth path. Everything seemed wonderful, including my new job. It took nothing more than a co-worker, whom I scarcely even knew, to walk through the door and furiously accuse me of a serious infraction I had – honestly – not committed. She herself had not been a witness of it, but was acting upon hearsay. She also reported me to the superiors. With me being the new one and her well established at the workplace, she had all the credibility. She also informed me very loudly that “everyone” was talking badly about me anyways. She refused to tell me who “everyone” was, but insisted it was literally the whole staff of the institution. My immediate impulse was to grab my bag, leave and never go back. It took quite a bit of willpower to continue my workday and remain halfway functional. The following weeks, I was internally boiling over with outrage and couldn’t help but look at other colleagues wondering “Is so-and-so among those who are talking badly about me?” As for the woman who attacked me, to this day she has been unable to look me in the eyes. I believe this speaks for itself. I also admit I now find slightly perverse amusement in facing her with a calm I-am-Buddha smile whenever our paths cross.

To make a long story a little bit shorter – lightning strikes wherever it wants, whenever it wants. Even out of the blue. So how can you make sure life doesn’t throw you a curve ball as you are in the middle of a dose reduction? You can’t. There is just no way of telling. Yet, you can do a lot about how you react, and about whether you look for support from people close to you.

Let’s talk about the support. If you are trying to recover from psychiatric crisis, undertaking a medication switch or readjusting your drug dose, you should have a personal support system mapped out. Let people you trust know what you are going through, and ask them to help you with careful observations, attention, honesty, good judgment, constructive input, friendship and love. An open conversation, a firm hug and an outside point of view can work miracles when you find yourself in distress. Plus, when you have a history of mental illness and psychiatric treatment, you are probably very vulnerable to self-doubt. Am I crazy? Am I sliding into a crisis? Is my reaction healthy? Commonsense could calm down such self-interrogation, but it is very reassuring and comforting to hear from someone else they understand you and think you are actually doing fine. And, in the opposite case, should you really be at risk of derailing psychologically, having this pointed out by someone is a vital contribution to preventing the situation from getting out of hand.

Now let’s move on to the reaction element. Depending on your personality, obeying to your momentary impulse may or may not be best. In my particular case, it is generally not. Impulses typically cater to an ancient fight-or-flight mechanism which is very useful when you are being chased by an enraged mammoth. In an office or other postmodern setting it is less practical. As you can tell from the incident at my workplace, my spontaneous, gut-driven response was to wrap it up, show off my middle finger, shout “Fuck y’all!” and leave with flying colors, in pursuit of unspoiled horizons. Similarly, upon receiving offensive or otherwise inappropriate e-mails, my impulse consists in proving to the unfortunate emissary of the message that my rhetoric is better than theirs, and that I can be an even bigger cunt than they are attempting to be. It can take a few re-edits before my response becomes suitable for sending at all. Experience has taught me that cooling heart and mind down improves the outcome of my actions. This also goes for emotions other than anger. Fear is another bad adviser. As simplistic as it sounds, succumbing to impulses fueled by negative emotions is never a good idea. As refreshing as spontaneous displays of affection, generosity and joy are, as devastating can the uncontrolled liberation of their opposites be – for others and for yourself.

This does in no way mean you should sugarcoat all your negative perceptions. They are there for something: they warn you of unfavorable situations, toxic relationships, bad intentions others hold, and so on. You need to recognize unhealthy circumstances for what they are in order to protect yourself from harm. The art lies in distinguishing impulse from intuition. Impulse is a reactionary force which can be laden with either positive or negative emotions, and serves to vent those. Intuition, on the other hand, is your inner voice expressing the observations and needs of your personal essence. Impulse is the lightning that strikes where and when it wants, blinding you as you act out. Intuition is subtle, constant and truthful, providing you with insight and strength. Impulse will say: “So-and-so is such an asshole, I totally hate him/her!” Intuition will simply advise you not to engage with that person because they might be harmful. The coworker who attacked me was being impulsive, and I almost would have been the same in response.

The million dollar – or yen, or euro, or pound – question is: how to make out your intuition among all the thoughts, feelings, images and ideas scrambling about inside you? There is no standard recipe, and finding out how to do it is one of the great tasks in life. It seems nobody ever masters this skill completely, otherwise disgrace would not continue happening all the time and everywhere on our planet. However, everyone is able to improve.

Finally, I shall tie the know with the subject of psychiatric treatment and life skills. Even if you have been in crisis and are taking one or more drugs, you can and should exercise your intuition, as well as other life skills. Never assume that, because you have been labelled mentally ill and prescribed neurochemical crutches, you are doomed to be handicapped forever. Consider yourself in the process of rehabilitation and keep in mind that most people are in need of healing, too. Just because they have not been diagnosed does not mean they are healthy. Society is sick in many ways, and will imprint some of its illness upon its members. Within countless families, toxic emotions and destructive behavioral patterns are handed down through generations like old, creaky furniture. And one traumatic experience with an abusive individual can throw formerly strong people off kilter for years to come. It so happens we call such wounds “psychiatric illness” when they are particularly evident or render someone dysfunctional in regard to the current social norms. However, it is a type of injury everyone suffers from in varying degrees. There would be nothing for us to learn and grow by if this were not so. Walk ahead. Always walk ahead.

How It’s Going – Completion of Phase Two

I am now permanently on 200 mg of Quetiapine (Seroquel) and 100 mg of Sertraline (Zoloft), which means I am concluding phase two of my withdrawal plan. According to this schedule, as I had originally laid it out, I am supposed to stabilize these doses over the course of two to three months. However, given that I am experiencing no withdrawal symptoms or other anomalies at all, I might reconsider the duration of the stabilization period and possibly reduce it to somewhere between one and two months.

My current doses correspond to a 30% reduction of the amount I was prescribed when I first started taking my medications. I believe my organism is already perceiving some degree of relief. My overall well-being has been improving, certainly also thanks to a healthy diet and regular exercise. Mentally and emotionally, I feel perfectly functional and healthy. My partner is a great source of support, and I know I can trust him to report any unusual observations to me.

I am also pleased to see how each prescription of a hundred coated tablets now lasts one month longer than it used to. The medication supply that was meant to be good for three months is now sufficient for four. One could say I am 30% less stressed about getting my new prescription.

As for this blog, it has been slowly, but steadily, attracting more readers. My hope is for them to find useful or at least interesting information on its pages, be it for themselves or in order to help loved ones. I want to stress once more that your comments, questions and suggestions are more than welcome. Reader’s contributions make this kind of blog so much richer and so much more helpful. Feel encouraged to send me your thoughts and experiences – they will all be considered and responded to.

The “Getting off” – Project

My name is Felicia. I am an artist and writer in my late thirties. The “Getting Off” project is about my gradually weaning off psychiatric drugs. It is intended to become a personal logbook through which I aim to document and to share:

  • Which circumstances made me start taking psychiatric drugs in the first place.
  • For how long I have been taking them and how they have affected me, both positively and negatively.
  • Why I wish to reduce dosage or, if possible, stop taking them altogether in the long run.
  • How I set up my dose reduction plan.
  • The measures I am taking to ensure my safety.
  • My experiences and observations throughout the process of progressive dose reduction.
  • The observations of significant others who actively accompany my progress.
  • Information gathered from external sources.

Creating a blog on this subject will hopefully help both me and you readers. For me, it will motivate me to be more structured and observant throughout the process of withdrawing. Thereby, I will hopefully be able to recognize both progress and setbacks when they occur, thus improving the odds of being successful and remaining healthy. The latter also implies evaluating whether a complete withdrawal is desirable at all. Depending on my reactions, I might have to be content with a dose reduction for now. Withdrawing from psychiatric medication is not an end in itself, and it is certainly not a sport. The main objective must always be general well-being. If that means I need to remain on a reduced dose, so be it.

As for you, you may be taking psychiatric drugs yourself or be close to someone who does, or maybe you just are interested in psychiatry. Possibly, you are trying to wean off your medications or planning to do so, or maybe someone in your family, a friend or a colleague is. In all of these situations, following my “Getting Off” project can be helpful for you.

In addition to my main objectives, I will be publishing articles on different aspects of mental health, or the lack thereof. Titled “Some Words on…”, these will also be vastly based on my personal experience and research, yet as an appendix I am going to list links to websites, articles and audiovisuals dealing with the topic in a more professional and objective way.

At this point, I have to stress though that this blog is NOT a substitute for one-on-one medical advice. I am not a doctor and also am not qualified to diagnose or to treat anyone. Please also keep in mind that every individual case is unique in background and in development, meaning that what works for me might not work for you, and viceversa. You and I might not even be taking the same substances, let alone the same dose. Getting Off is the documentation of my particular path. I am happy to share it and would be delighted to know that it is useful to you as complementary literature and additional support to whatever situation you have in your life.

I am very much looking forward to your company.

Yours sincerely,

Felicia